Interview (36 Questions)
Approximately two decades ago, a group of psychology researchers led by Arthur Aron conducted an experiment which revealed that a sense of closeness or intimacy can be established between two individuals by engaging in a series of 36 questions and answers. Although the original experiment was performed in a face-to-face and reciprocal setting, the questions themselves are of interest and I thought they could be beneficial to complete. Some of the questions were excluded as they were specific to the second participant (8 to be exact), such as "tell your partner three things you have noticed about them." Additionally, some of the questions towards the end were just too personal for sharing so publicly online, so I couldn't answer in a meaningful way, maybe we can try in person.
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Tilda Swinton. close second was David Lynch.
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
I really do not enjoy being the centre of attention and love the sense of freedom that comes with feeling anonymous. So any fame would have to be in a way that meant it did not invove anyone knowing who I really was, I love my privacy!
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
Yes, like many millenials, I sometimes suffer from anxiety around phonecalls, I think due to us being fairly young when the internet ushered in new communication methods and texting became more widespread. I prefer email/text/face to face.
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
There’s a variety of scenarios that could fit this, wide reaching in variety, but the one I’d really like right now would be: Wake up around 10:30am on superb bedsheets, hearing the sea, smelling coffee, seeing a bright blue sky out the window. I remember that for the next few days I have nothing to do but things I want. There’s a cup of hot coffee ready on the bedside table that a considerate soul has put there. I drink my coffee, then we make each other orgasm. I get up, brush my teeth, go downstairs, out onto a veranda dripping in Bougainvillea. A large dining table has been laid out for breakfast: croissants, bacon, eggs, cheeses, crusty bread, jam, coffee, fresh fruit, fresh orange juice... maybe throw some kippers in there too. We eat, contented to be silent or make easy conversation. Afterwards, we take a little stroll down to s nearby cove, there is no one else there and we jump in off the rocks into the water, its cold and invigorating. I lay down naked and let myself warm up again between the warm ground and sun. There are no real plans or obligations for the day, and we spend several hours here just enjoying each other, engaging in conversation, reading, swimming, caressing, sunbathing, snacking.
Later we walk into town, the sky is a gold and pink and groups of people are relaxing and socialising together, the streets are filled with life, and we people watch, explore, buy things for dinner. Go home and have sex, then nap, warm and contented. We wake up and shower, and then we prepare dinner. There is an outside bbq pit and grilling involved, we have clear roles so it goes smoothly and we are a good team, no bickering! We eat outside, it’s warm and balmy, there are no mosquitos, and you can hear the crickets. We eat and get drunk on red wine (and it doesn’t give me a headache). We listen to music and tell stories, laugh and feel totally at ease with each other, and then I'll leave it there and avoid turning this into bad erotica.
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
I actually can’t remember. I certainly wasn’t singing to anyone else as I am a terrible singer, horrifically unpleasant to listen to. I lip sync to songs I like though (mostly when I'm alone, so you're safe).
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
I think I would choose body, as my independence is important to me, I’d hate to be imprisoned by pain and fraility. I’d just have to pray that my mind hangs in there as well as it can, I’ve met some very sharp 90 year olds!
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
No. It’s not something I want to think about, although I think it is important to acknowledge your mortality in order to appreciate the fleeting, finate gift that life is, what happens will happen and I don’t want to ruminate on possible grisly endings.
8. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
My health, my family, my freedom, being born in the global north in the late 20th century.
9. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
To be fluent in every language. A more realistic answer would just be Mandarin fluency, although it doesn’t feel realistic at the moment.
10. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Maybe what to invest in. I'm still sore that I didn't get in on Bitcoin in 2008 when my more tech minded friends did.
11. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
Visit Japan. I want to go and do it “properly” and pay for my sister and neice, but timing has always been an issue, plus I always seem to have something more important to pay for, soon though.
12. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
This may sound embarrassingly “therapy speak” but, it’s getting to know and understand myself honestly, warts and all, and seeing how much I have grown.
13. What do you value most in a friendship?
Shared sense of humour, generosity, honesty.
14.What is your most treasured memory?
Walking home after a perfect day, completely soaked through in warm, torrential rain, in the Catalonian mountains with a favourite person, several thunderstorms visible in the distance, randomly illuminating the mountainous backdrop.
15. What is your most terrible memory?
The death of my partner.
16. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
EVERYTHING. It would kinda suck if this happened now witht the ban on travel, but I would quit my job, spend most of it with family, blowing most of my savings, being impulsive and just savouring all the little things we inevitably overlook and ignore as we think about the future. Hopefully I would still be alive in time for the travel restrictions lifting so I could take an arctic cruise.
17. What does friendship mean to you?
I don’t take friendship lightly, however, it used to be that if I decided to be friends with someone, they had a friend for life, and I put an incredible amount of effort into maintaining the friendship. As I’ve grown older, I realised that it is ok to outgrow people, and if your core values no longer align in a major way, you can move on. Not a fall out, it’s just letting each other go.
18. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
They make me feel alive and connected to humanity. They are an energising and motivating force in my life.
19. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
I am from a very large, close knit, working class Irish family. However, the Troubles were very distabilising, and there was difficulties, but it is something that we have mostly worked through as adults.
20. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
I love my mum very much. She is a very tough woman whose been through a lot, and takes no nonsense from anyone. A tiny terror from Belfast who’s grown and softened with time. I am very proud of what she has overcome, and how close we are today.
21. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … ”
Laughs. I love finding people who have a similar sense of humour, I do have them in my life but I’m greedy and want more. If you make me really laugh I will forgive a lot, it’s insanely attractive.
22. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner (that’s you reader), please share what would be important for him or her to know.
If we are going to be spending a lot of time together, I sometimes need personal space and alone time, it’s nothing to do with you, it is just that as an introvert I need to recharge from social interactions sometimes, no matter who I am with. Sometimes I just need silence and solitude for an hour or so, and then I will start wondering what you’re up to and come back.
23. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
Ok, I have worse stories than this, but there is no f****** way I’m putting them on the internet. The other day I walked the ten minute journey from my house to the tube, a lot of people were looking at me, and I thought, “Oh, they must like my outfit or something?” Anyway, on the platform I realised my flies were down -_-
24. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Oh god, I cry all the time! I am easily moved by so many things, maybe not full on streaming tears but my eyes go glassy and feel a little lump of emotion in my throat, if that counts. Actually, I really cried a couple of weeks ago at the cinema with my friend (Nomadland), and had to hold it back so as to not embarrass her by sobbing. Due to Covid, it was the first time I had been to the cinema for nearly two years, so I think that really intensified the experience.
25. Tell your partner something that you like about him or her already.
The fact you’ve taken the time to read this.
26. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
It depends who is doing the joking. In difficult times of my life, I found having a dark sense of humour a comfort for me, but it is my own darkness I am laughing at.
27. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told that individual yet?
There was a teacher from my high school who really took an interest in me and was very encouraging when most teachers had written me off. I hated school, I found lessons dull and pointless (except art), and I wanted to leave at 16. I had very poor attendence and was a solid B student. She is actually the reason I stayed on and went to university, she talked to me and explained what I could achieve if I actually applied myself, that education is a way out, and I was squandering my ability. She gave me confidence in my intellect and potential. I looked her up a while ago but couldn’t find her. Good teachers are very rare in my opinion, I’m sure years of contending with educational bureaucracy and challenging children doesn’t help, but they can have a profound effect on a child’s life. I am very grateful to her as even though I don't think you need to go to university to live an decent, interesting life, it was life changing for me to get out of my small town and expand my horizons.
28. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Ok I’m choosing two: A shoebox of photos and letters, and a glass vase shaped like a fish. It’s actually just an empty bottle of cheap Muscat, but it is from a trip that is special to me.
Reference
Aaron, A. et al. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23.
